If I could pick one word to describe the feeling that’s settled in and made itself home in my heart these days, I would have to choose thankful. It’s a weird feeling walking into an experience that you know is going to change your life forever. I feel like there’s this big bundle of energy inside of my stomach that’s radiating shocks of anxiety throughout my entire body, like at any moment little lightning bolts are going to shoot from my fingertips. This time tomorrow I’ll be an official escort at the world famous Moonlite Bunny Ranch. There’s no way to know what this place is going to hold for me, or what it’s going to do for me, but I know that I won’t be the same girl when I leave as I am arriving, and that’s a thrilling yet terrifying thing to experience. So, I’m trying to just take a moment and sit with this feeling, with the bundle of energy, and simply observe it. With curiosity, with a little apprehension, and with a whole lot of gratitude. I’m beyond thankful that I’m being pushed out of my comfort zone enough to experience this, to experience the petrifying excitement that’s cursing through my veins. It’s such a rush, honestly. I tend to do this every few years or so, I shake up my life in some extraordinary way and come out on the other side completely changed…and I have to say, so far it’s worked out really well for me. So here’s hoping. I hope that it’s everything I’m wishing it to be, I hope I’m everything they’re wishing me to be. Being an escort isn’t something that I ever planned, I don’t think many girls grow up dreaming of becoming a hooker, and yet I’m so thankful that I decided to go down this road. Escorting has given me such a power, it’s taught me that I have worth and that nobody gets to decide that worth except for me. It’s given me the opportunity to heal people, to give them the things that are missing most from their life. Shit, it’s given me the opportunity to find the things that were missing most from my life. Rumor has it that I’m going to have to negotiate my prices face to face with the potential clients that come into the Ranch, and I have to be honest I’m pretty fucking terrified for that part. But it’s the part I’m most excited about too because what a fucking cool skill to learn?! Women are very hardly ever taught how to speak up for themselves, how to hold their ground, how to voice their boundaries or limits or desires (or worth for that matter). And yet men are naturally raised to effortlessly demand the things they want and expect without hesitation, so more than anything I want to learn that confidence. To risk sounding a bit like a horrible person, I’m excited to learn what effortless entitlement feels like kinda. To looks someone in the eye and let them know that if they want certain things from me than I’m entitled to certain specific things back. And that those ‘certain things’ is my body being exchanged for money…well to me it makes it that much cooler.
So, I just read back over this and realize I voice like 18 different emotions that I’m going through right now, which I’m sure is a bit confusing, but all I can say about that is imagine how it feels for me…I feel a bit overwhelmed by it all. Growing up I was pretty much the least desired person in any room I walked into, I was invisible at school and completely unwanted at home. I didn’t become familiar with the feeling of being desired until just a few years ago, and now I’ve made an entire career based around that feeling…I guess you could say I got addicted. And while most of the time I feel more and more like the sexual badass I portray myself to be, sometimes I still feel like that little girl. It’s the whole reason Harper was created in the first place, when I’m Harper there’s no question about how desirable I am or what I have to offer people, Harper’s confidence is unshakable. She’s an escape inside of myself. And living inside of that character for two weeks is going to be such an emotional and mentally rewarding exercise. Hopefully anyways. Because there’s no room for that little girl who is full of doubt and insecurity when you’re standing half naked demanding hundreds of dollars for your time. And so I hope, if nothing else, that this stint at The Bunny Ranch will help make Harper even more of a reality and less of an escape in my life. Also, I really hope I get to do at least one group session while I’m out here because I’m genuinely a whore and seven cocks are so much more fun than one. If I got to see Vegas that would be cool too. And I wouldn’t be mad if I made at least one bunny friend (please cross all of your fingers that the girls are nice).
So, in five hours I’ll be arriving at the front door of the Ranch, knees shaking and heart pounding…open and excited for everything it has to teach me. It makes me feel less alone knowing that I get to write what’s going on for you guys, so I really appreciate you being here for me and for being so encouraging of this new journey. One day I may be able to finally find the words to explain what having you all following and supporting me means, but for now my mind is in other places. I love you all. Sleep tight and stay tuned.