As much as I want to see the world as something that’s constantly shining and full of glitter sometimes I can’t help but feel like the glitter has dulled a bit and it’s really hard for me to find the sparkles. Don’t get me wrong, my life is the greatest ever and I really am so disgustingly happy pretty much all the time, but I can’t help but feel like there’s this dark cloud that is always close behind and ready to cover up everything. Like I have to work to find the glitter instead of just seeing it naturally. And today was one of those days where the dark cloud won. I had a session earlier this afternoon and it left me feeling used and empty. He made me feel cheap and worthless, but mainly I was just so disappointed in myself for letting this stranger affect my emotions at all. I have been working really hard with N and my mentor (we’ll call her A) on not letting the opinion of those who don’t add to my life deter me from finding myself and my happiness, and in ten minutes I gave this man permission to bring that dark cloud over my day. And it’s not like he was excessively rude or obnoxious, he just made it clear that he was a better human than I am because I escort and he has an “actual job” and that I “wasn’t as fun as I portrayed myself online.” Okay, maybe he was rude and obnoxious. But here’s the thing, some of these men who hire escorts think that they’re using us and that that makes them the”better” being somehow, that they’re taking advantage and getting away with it….but honestly, I feel like that’s just not the case. By choosing to escort, I am choosing to own my sexuality. I get to control who it is and what I get out of the experience. And I feel like society sees escorting as this dirty/disease ridden/gross sex/drug money escapade situation that encourages mysogny and increases the rates of STD’s, but they couldn’t be further from the truth. Escorting is so much more than that. It’s like minded people finding each other, it’s an outlet for the socially awkward or the lonely or the shut in’s. And in most sessions I spend more time in conversation than in anything else, whether it’s just a widower who is lonely and wants company, or it’s a woman who hasn’t yet figured out how to come out about her sexuality, or a transexual who just wants to talk to someone that wont judge them. I get to spend my life making others happy, giving them an outlet or someone that can relate to them, and at times, also helping them live out sexual fantasies they would otherwise be ashamed of.  I turned this visceral desire for sex and this personal desire to make people’s lives better into a way for me to make a living. I found something that I am passionate and excited about and turned it into a career. And what’s more, I overcame the stigma’s and the pressure that society placed on this type of living and had enough faith in myself and belief in who I am as a person that I chose to do it despite the judgement I knew would come. And that makes me proud. I am proud of myself and of who I am. And that’s why I got so mad at this man today, he attacked who I am. I don’t do escorting, I am an escort. I own it, I love it. And I let him make me forget that. I let him condemn that, and really, who the hell is he? I get to meet all kinds of different people, and fly to all these beautiful places, and experience all of these crazy things, and have orgasms, and all my sexual fantasies fulfilled, all while getting paid for it. Tell me how that’s not the worlds best job? I refuse to be humiliated or judged and disgraced because of the ignominy that is attached to what I chose to do with my life. Especially by someone who just financially supported that very thing.

And so, this is for, really anyone who cares to listen to this. You’re allowed to not be okay with escorting or not feel comfortable with breaking the law, that’s your prerogative. You have every right to not want to support it, but you have no right to judge or to shit all over the people who choose to take part in it. We might seem like a crazy different species, but we have feelings and emotions and deserve the same respect that you would give the CEO of Apple. So does the garbage man, and an elementary school teacher, and every other person in the land. Respect and being kind are just necessities, damnit. And that’s all I have to say about that.

And for those who are wondering: I found the glitter again this evening in a bouquet of sunflowers and a pumpkin spice latte 😉

xoxo

Harper

Let me tell you the three things i hate most in all the world. 1. waking up early  2. closed minded people and 3. doing anything domestic. Anything at all. But today i made N a full legitimate dinner (like bread and an appetizer and a main course and sides) for when He got home from school. And while i suck, and i mean SUCK at cooking, and really actually kind of hate it, lately it’s become something that i really enjoy doing for Him. So, i set up the living room to look like a restaurant and got all dressed up, and made a menu that was filled with all sorts of adorable comments (He had to pay in kisses) and cooked a dinner that was actually edible and served it all awkwardly, and totally crushed it. And i am proud, i feel like i have purpose tonight. i still can’t believe it but i feel this rush. He is happy, and content, and relaxed and for me, that’s the whole idea. i mean this is what i always imagined being a slave is all about. It’s not always about the rough sex and the collars and the rules and the scenes, sometimes it’s as simple as just going out of your way to make His day a little easier. And don’t get me wrong, i really enjoy servicing Him with my body or with bondage and i totally get into letting Him use my body as He wishes, but i feel the same sense of purpose, the same rush, when i do vanilla things for N too. Whether that’s cooking Him a meal or remembering to stock up on His favorite beer, or even just cleaning up the house. i like the idea that His life is easier because i am around. It makes me feel like i am winning at this whole servitude thing.

And i think the most shocking part about all of it is that it comes so easy. The cleaning, and the cooking, and the errand running….it is so easy to do for Him. Which might not sound like anything much, but if you ever talked to anybody that i have ever existed with. i am THE messiest and laziest human that has ever roamed this earth. i hate laundry, my closet always looks like it threw up…not all over just my room but the entire house, and i never ever remember to pick things up for the house, ever. my idea of a well balanced meal is fruity pebbles with bacon as a side, my idea of cleaning is shoving things out of sight, and my idea of laundry is going out and just buying new clothes. But with N it’s different. Now i am buying lysol and swifters and actually picking things up to vacuum under them. And what’s more, i delight in these things because i know that He appreciates them and they make Him feel good. And that makes me feel good. It makes me feel 10 feet tall. And tonight, after dinner when He was paying His “bill” (aka laying kisses all over my face) N whispered in my ear that He wanted to cherish me forever, and just like that everything came into focus. my life, the serving Him, and all the sacrifices that i made to be here with Him, they were all worth it.

i often let me insecurities and doubts distract me from the simple fact that N cherishes me. That i am a His possession and that He loves me as such. i see other girls on fetlife that have sexier photos or do dirtier things and i see the porn that He downloads on His computer and i let it distract me from what’s important. N has chosen me, He has built a life that i am an essential part of, and He cherishes me. N cherishes me. And maybe i am not doing a good job of explaining to you the peace that that fact brings me, but if i knew every word in the english language i still probably wouldn’t be able to put it into words. It’s like, if Taylor Swift (or i suppose if you have another artist you like more) just walked off stage in the middle of a performance and walked right up to you and started singing you one of her love songs. If she totally ignored the thousands of other screaming fans in the audience and just sang to you. How special would that make you feel? N, who is this outrageously kind, compassionate, intellectual, handsome, patient man, He chose me out of the crowd. He chose to cherish me. And that is why slaving over a stupid stove that hardly works, and burning my hand so bad i laid on the floor and cried for a solid half hour, and forgetting half of my grocery list at home so having to make 5 different runs to the grocery store, it was all worth it. And i would do it all over again to hear Him tell me how cherished i am. Annnnd if He lets me give a blow job by the end of the night 😉

xoxo

Harper

Hi, i’m Harper (some of you know me by other names) and i know that you don’t know me very well and i don’t know you at all but i am kind of hoping that changes. i am starting this blog because i want there to be a place for the sexually adventurous to be able to come and find safety to ask questions or even just see what BDSM is all about.  i am an escort and a slave full time, and a bit of an emotional rollercoaster half of the time. i plan on posting about my adventures and excursions and giving those who are inquiring a look into the life that i lead. i come from a religious, conservative, pretty judgmental family and have found my way into a community full of love and compassion and grace. i have an undying love affair going on with tequila and bad decisions, and always have Taylor Swift playing in the background. i am obsessed with my Dominant, N, and am trying to figure out where i fit in His life and how to be okay with that status. i like to think that despite all the corrupted sides of me i am still a good person and that people will learn to love them just as i have.  i chase glitter and sparkles like the ADD infected kitten that i am. i have a shattered heart, but somehow it’s full and overflowing with love and happiness. And while it goes without saying, this blog is NSFW which while i’m not totally sure what that stands for, i know it means it’s dirty and inappropriate so don’t look if you’re not allowed. Or if you’re going to be mean.

xoxo,

H